I’ve been thinking about starting a BLOG for some time now about the subject of separation and divorce. My main reason behind such a BLOG is to the fact that there aren’t a lot of resources I found online that helped with my current dilemma. Perhaps dilemma is to kind a word. Perhaps crisis is more to the fact. There are certainly a great amount of message boards where people discuss this very subject, but point blank none of them were very helpful in helping me deal with the roller coaster ride I’ve been dealing with for the past year. Maybe if I shared my own story it would help someone out there who is going through what I’m going through now in this stage of life.
In July of 2012 I was asked by my wife to leave our home. She needed time. She needed space. I’m sure if you made your way to this site and are reading what I’ve posted and what I’ll be posting those phrases mean a lot to you because you’ve heard them both or at least one before. Let me add that I’m not any kind of licensed therapist nor am I an expert in the subject matter that is being discussed here. And when I say I’m not an expert I mean I have no formal training on how to deal with my current situation beyond actually having to live through it. And I continue to live through it. Although I dabble in writing as a hobby I don’t make a living at it. I only indicate this in order to ask for your forgiveness for any spelling or grammatical errors you may notice while reading through my posts.
Let me first give you my very strong opinion on what is discussed on other sites out there on the Great Information Highway. There is no such thing as a mid-life crisis and there is no such thing as a mid-life crisis that goes hand in hand with a woman’s Menopause. I believe this very strongly because in the beginning when my wife told me she no longer was in love with me I gravitated to the belief that something chemical was happening to generate these feelings. After months of being separated from my wife I can unequivalently tell you that’s all bullshit. She may see things differently in this stage of her life, but it has nothing to do with any kind of magical crisis nor does it have to do with any physiology. Of course that’s my opinion. You read and research and form your own. I hope you take my opinion very seriously. Menopause may be a factor to why she’s seeing these things in me now and not putting up with them anymore, but my action were very much real.
Now for the title of the BLOG – Lost My Wife (htttp://www.lostmywife.com). Kind of depressing isn’t it? It’s not like I actually lost her. I mean I know where she is. It’s certainly not like losing a set of car keys. When I indicate I lost her I mean I lost the connection that made us both husband and wife. And it’s important for you to know that it isn’t one sided. It takes two people to make a successful marriage and it takes two people to unravel that same marriage. But in my current state of mind I really do feel like I’ve lost my wife. And even know it’s not entirely my doing I still feel that I’ve failed as a husband. I can look back now and see the mistakes I’ve made. How I wish I could give Doc Brown a call and borrow the DeLorean and go back in time to correct those mistakes. I can’t. You can’t. You can spend a great amount of effort beating yourself up over the past. Don’t! It doesn’t do a bit of good. What you do have the power to do is look at that past to make sure those mistakes are never made again. This may not help you with repairing your marriage, but it will certainly help with your future relationships. I know that’s little comfort when going through the feelings you’re going through, but it’s practical advice and we both know simple common sense.
A couple other things I should point out while reading through the various message boards as well as articles related to the subject I’ll be discussing. The first is infidelity and not on the side of the husband. I’ve been married to my wife for sixteen years and in all those years I’ve never been unfaithful to my wife. On the other hand, her infidelity is part of my story. The many posts I read rarely discuss this. The many posts (and printed books for that matter) I read have 99% of the men being charged with being unfaithful. I think men get a bad rap when it comes to this open discussion. I think this is where my story is somewhat unique.
Something else that also gives me a chuckle is the attitude of several of the men posting on said message boards and leaving opinions on the variety of online articles. Get over yourself. You’re not the innocent victim. As I already indicated it takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to break up a marriage. On both sides of the battle of the sexes I’m sure there are instances that disprove the rule, but not to the extent of what I’ve read up on. You’re certainly not to blame for the initial act of adultery. I know adultery isn’t an instance in every separation or divorce. I speak to it because it goes hand and hand towards what I’m going through so that part may not apply to you. With that indicated, there is a reason why that adultery happened and we’ll discuss that in length as I continue to post.
Let me leave you with this to end my first post. If you love your wife and you want your marriage to work out in the end let me give you the faintest glimmer of hope. At the time I write this first post I’ve returned back home under the same roof as my wife. Now I indicate a “glimmer” because that doesn’t mean our marriage isn’t over. For four months my wife refused to talk with me or even see me. My only communication with her was through text messaging or email. It was finding out about her infidelity that got us talking again and it was with that where I was invited back as a trial to see how things go. At this stage my wife has begun counseling and I will be doing the same with my first session about four hours from the time of this posting. I’ll let you know how that goes. I never in a million years thought I would be going to see a counselor, but I need to do something to move forward with or without my wife and this is a step not yet exhausted. In my current frame of mind I’m not sure how this is going to help, but I need to try it before I can discount it and try it with an open mind.
So concludes my introduction to this site. My next post will deal with what lead to the current separation and maybe reconciliation with my wife. I hope you can share your experiences here as well. Perhaps together we can understand what is happening and find some way to deal with what can be a pretty traumatic experience.